i guess this is pretty much useless doing bc i am not really active on dA and thus dont have something like "friends" on here so no one who would really care about me and what i am doing but
i guess i just hope to get a clean head from this.
i am having lots of downs lately
and with lately i mean that after the last suicide atempt there wasnt a day where i didnt self harm
its not bad though it relaxes me and makes me feel good for a while at least
so dont worry about that
the thing that hurts the most is probably how fucking meaningless i am to those who call me friend. i stopped calling people friends a long while ago and if i do chances i dont mean it are high.. which makes me super uncomfortable as well so please dont expect me to call you friend its just a word not easy for me to say and dont please fucking dont act all hurt if i dont call you friend because that damages me a lot :^)
i had a lot people coming at me a few days ago
all of the where upset and wanted me to cheer them up and ofc i did.
they said i was a good friend and were thankful and i enjoyed being able to help them ofc but... do you think they ever cared for me? do you think they even asked how i was? nope they didnt
a few days have passed and they arent even saying a word to me anymore.. i may add that they havent talked to me before they were sad either
everyone is basically using me to cheer them up and im stupid enough to do it because i know very well how fucked up it is to be sad and i wouldnt want anyone to feel like that.
but honestly i dont think they are as upset as i am... i mean welp.. i am kind of used to it by now too but .. u know it still pisses me off
it pisses me off how they all fake around being like "i am always the one to cheer others up sob sob but no one cheers me up" and here i am like.. wow thanks i just did that but nice just ignore that never mind right?
i am just so fucking upset
i want to leave them all in their own shit but i know damn well how that feels because i feel like that every damn day
but sure just ignore that
i hate how they "help me" whenever they feel like it
telling me im their friend and that they care when really they just want to push their ego a bit for "helping the sad kid"
im fucking feed up with this
i dont want anyone to play with me like that anymore
i dont want anyone to tell me they like me or love me
because i know its a fucking lie and i am done with this bullshit
please just leave me because i know you are all fake and your fakeness makes me feel worse and worse
you probably dont even realize how much you harm me
and stop expecting me to be there for you
i dont want to be there for you
despite you saying you would be you are never there for me either afterall
you dont deserve me
none of you deserve me, ever did, ever will
stop trying to make yourself feel good for talking to me once a year and stop saying you are my friends you are not i dont have friends